Few months ago, I invited you, dear reader, to discover me on this special space of mine, this virtual home brought from Mondoblog, all back to an individual space on WordPress.
This was one in the many changes which I had gone through and was going through since 2016 had started, and the last quarter of 2015 had went through. In fact, it is nearly one year now, since I went through some of the biggest changes in my life.
From the outside, those changes seemed happy, seemless, and extactic. From the inside, it called to suffering, bleeding, constant questioning and I would not say it has completely stopped now. In the past twelve months, so many things went different and more importantly at the beginning of the last twelve months, therefore in 2015, i was having some expectations which for some were completely deceived.
I remember one of my big brothers and mentors (dear DPN), which often told me that great changes and more importantly positive change come along with its deal of pain. Indeed, to really change, you must feel resistance and if you feel resistance then you suffer.
Last week, I was introduced to Myleik Teele, an inspirational lady from the US, who shares words and podcasts that can be life changers. Today, I therefore listened to one of her podcast. Out of the 79 minutes conversation she was having with another inspiration, Necole Kane, one sentence stroke me: “I am here because I hurt”. I just felt this is so me, this is so my last twelve months, and this is so and totally the outcome of my changes.
Yeah, I have had my own turmoils in life. I have had my own failures. Last year, September 2015, I decided to face all my difficulties. I decided to accept I needed healing. This was the space for a therapy. I never thought this could be so hard. I never thought facing the past could be so tough of a challenge. I remember those days when I cried for nothing. I remember leaving work, heading to the therapy. I remember those sad weekends, sometimes full of tears, sometimes full of anger with that person who was trying to help me through but did not have all the keys. I remember, how hard I was praying. I remember praying everyday for my unborn child as a I was fearing my mental state could provoke a miscarriage. And still, I had moments of happiness. More importantly, at that time, people who saw me could no way imagine what I was going through. I was always well dressed, arranged with make-up and smiling. I was not faking the happiness though.
Yes indeed, I was not faking the happiness. But at the same time, the pain was there, sometimes terrible. I sometimes had that feeling that I was a mess just because I felt unable to be grateful for what I had and I was driving sorrow out of my past. 12 months later, I feel true happiness and gratefulness. I have gone through even harder times, but they just went through me. From my difficult experiences, I have learnt how to handle ambiguity. Plus, in the midst of change, I challenged myself into doing so many different things, taking some hard and tough oaths.
I relaunched this blog, believing it would be extremely difficult to blog daily. Here I am, having one of my articles which hit 600 views, receiving messages from strangers who are so happy to read me, having at least one comment per article. I resigned from a secure and well-paid job to the doubts of entrepreneurship, knowing that what you bring in is what you work for. I have jumped into taking responsability of the family business, something I was so afraid of, as I did not want to let them down. I am working hard on making my communication agency work for real, reshuffling my thoughts, moving to different focus with no fear. I have learnt to do things for myself first and foremost, without expecting any appreciation. That appreciation often comes as a surprise and a perfect bonus. On top of all this, I am a blessed mother of one, and each day looking at my lil princess, I can only say “THANK YOU”.
In September 2015, or even before, during some of my hardest times, 2005, 2011, etc..if anyone had told me “Girl, you will end up being truly happy”, I would just have said “Move out of my way”. It seems ridiculous to say it because when you are christian, the Bible says so and more generally around us, we always have examples of people who go through horrors and come back to rise and shine. Still, living it is absolutely not the same. When you are within the fire, you just feel the burns and you never realise it will stop at its moment.
So, I definitely agree with the words of the podcast which I so much recommend you to listen “I am here because I am hurt”. I would love to hear from you. Plus, I sincerely thank Tchassa and Befoune, my fellow bloggers, and more to become friends, who encouraged me into opening my heart (take some time and discover their inspirational Medium channel “Self-ish”).
As I told them, sharing “private” stuff on the internet remains a very difficult exercise for me. Meanwhile, I tend to admit that experience is meaningful when it can be shared. I do hope, it was meaningful. Share your thoughts in the comment section, just down here.