When you are down and you hate yourself for that

Yes, this is just me these days and first of all, I don’t write this post for “sorry” and “you will be OK”. Please, next!

Do you know that feeling when you have a plan and you feel execution is wreckless? It makes you doubt the full plan though you have not yet implemented it. This is how I feel about my life right now.

Yes, I am feeling down and I wanted to share it because I am not alone. We are more out there and we need light.

I am a Cameroonian (for those who come here for the first time) and two years ago, I decided to drop a 7 figures salary to launch a business. I was pregnant, in a relationship and depressed. When you put that all together, it seems crazy to have made that decision. Still, I had no other choice. My performance was no more where I wanted it to be, my engagement towards the business was very low and my health was a mess. I needed to rebuild while craving a new path. Waiting to be sacked and get the cash did not correspond to my ADN, so I quit. Yeah, I was happy to go and launch my own business, I had the support of my boo and I knew I could also benefit from a small position in my family business which was helpful to manage cash-in for a start.

Two years from there, I am a single mummy (of an awesome and loving daughter #blessed #grateful) and I am a solopreneur. The cash is coming in, slowly, not as fast as I would like it too and sometimes, like today I just feel I am getting it all wrong.

However, it is not fair for me to think that way. I have managed some deals, I am getting some additional customers, but for me, in my view, it is not enough. Today, I was feeling down, sick, tired. Right now, the feeling is still around. And I spoke to this long-time friend which just made me sink even deeper. He had that sentence, “you are intelligent and you can be so much more”. Yeah, right! Something I already know but who said being intelligent meant being business savy? Who said being smart was a clear way to success.

Sometimes, I do believe that ” being smart” just make things harder. Indeed, you can’t fake to yourself. You know it when you are not doing exactly right. It is clear for you, when you are acting like bullshit. For example, these days, I know I need holidays but I am not taking them. This is affecting my productivity, my personal performance and therefore my motivation.

So yeah I am down and I hate myself because I should not. Indeed, I am currently attaching my freedom, my success to metrics that will unnecessarily hurt me. In my eyes, I am not successful because I live in my mum’s house with my child. I don’t feel success because my revenues are too tight. I can’t measure success because I have too many ideas written but not executed. Etc etc.

And I hate myself for all those thoughts

Yeah, I hate myself because even though money is a measurable indicator for success, it is not the only one. I see and feel I should be happy not down. My daughter is there, happy and great. On top, I have moved from the darkness of depression to a space where most of the times, I am proud of myself. In the past two years, I have learned much on myself, on business, on life, on God. I am his beautiful child. He loves me, comforts me and I am alive when so many dearest have passed away. I am creating my destiny in a difficult environment, doing things differently. I may be wrong on the approach like someone told me today but loosing eventually, starting back and finally winning.

For those out there who go through the same ordeals

Never forget, you only got one life

So you can take some time to cry, to let go but wake up fast and live your life.

You are more than you expect

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Be conscious of your achievements, even the smallest, celebrate them. If you work more on celebrating, you will realize there is more you have achieved than you see.

Don’t procratisnate, just do it

Do it repeatedly, identify good habits, slight changes and do. Actions bring gratifications because they get you closer to your objectives. Actions give courage and drive.

Listen to yourself

When you are feeling down, don’t count on other people’s pieces of advice. They will advice you based on the energy you communicate which is already negative. They will feel the need to boost you, telling you that you are not doing enough. Cut it short. Get back on your feet, and follow your dreams and objectives.

Making mistakes is just a step in life. Therefore if you happen to realize you were wrong, it is just a mistake. Learn, adjust, and move on.

As I am writing these words, I am still not totally convinced myself. In the contrary, I still feel the need to hide in my blankets and stop everything. So, don’t worry if at the end of this post you still feel down and you still hate yourself for it. You are not alone and you will be fine.

If you connected with the words written here, let me know in the comments section just below or on Facebook or Twitter.

Love, Anna ♥


7 thoughts on “When you are down and you hate yourself for that

  1. Just don’t know whether i should clap for you dear…. Anyway i do!My eyes are filled with tears right know. There are things that are so hard to explain because peolpe around you will not get it the right way.
    I hate myself for many reasons…and you’ve mentionned some! Another thing is the comparisons that some family membres make, abd when they come from someone you respect, it’s just unbearable.
    The fact that money in our society and especially in our families is the best mean to measure your success is really depressing. Some family members and friends are “silent killers”.
    To get out from all this, i’ve decided choose those with whom i discuss about certain things (life projects…), to surround myself with people who speak the same language with me, who understand me, inspire and…..
    Most importantly I’m tryng to listen to myself, to reinforce my selfconfidence with God’s help, to appreciate and better use my ‘gifts’.
    Down for soooo long…it’s time to get up!
    Thanks again!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know these feelings…
    Sometimes you feel your intellect as a curse, because it brings you more insatisfaction than anything else. You know that you can do more, so more, and then you don’t look enough at what you have done.

    Liked by 1 person

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